Some Office Humor

Tom

1
Staff Team
Messages
8,351
Likes
13
Location
Southwest
#1
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
 
Messages
3,476
Likes
0
Location
Lincoln, CA
#14
mikev said:
make them laugh and it will.

n.b. this works on holidays after a few days of holding them in !!!!!!!!
hehe, I did that to my g/f after I first got with her. Tickled her and a little one came out. She was mortified. After that, any of my bodily gases could be released in front of her and she couldn't complain.


 
Messages
1,311
Likes
0
Location
Reading, PA
#15
You left these two out:

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and
identify SAFE HAVENS.

CRACK WHORE
Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus.
Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit
streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the
janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good
cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

[thumb]
 
Messages
58
Likes
0
Location
Reading, PA
#17
on behalf of all hot girls..... we fart. hate to break it to you all. when we first meet you though we dont. ever notice those SBD's (silent but deadlys) always seem to happen when the "dog" is around or something. that is us. believe it or not, some of us get proud when we see our guy get dutch ovenes in the middle of a peaceful sleep, when our laughter wakes them up! i mean.. so i've heard... [fake]
 

ILuvBMW

Active Member
Messages
522
Likes
0
Location
Egremont, MA
#18
PuShAkOv said:
I wounder if GIRLS do this...[???1]
This isn't about farting, but I was at this party and almost everybody had left. It was just me, one of my friends, a couple of hot girls and a couple of not so hot girls sitting at a table talking. One of the hot ones is talking, and she lets out the biggest burp in the world. Nobody says anything, and then one of the other hot girls goes 'Is there a f**kin wooly mammoth outside?!?'
 


Top